I haven't been sure what to say this month. Do I come out and say it all, or do I just pretend it never happened? How much information is too much information? The problem is, the title of this blog is "My Life". And as much as I want to only share the ups and positive things, that's not my reality. That's not anyone's reality. There are downs in life. There are hard times. There are times when we want to give up and feel like we can't go on. And these are times that shape us just as much, if not more, than the ups.
So let me be straight with you. I've been diagnosed with depression. Also recently, I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. There's history in my family of both illnesses, although the last one was labeled as Bipolar Disorder. I've been on medicine for the depression and it had been working alright, but not too effectively. Although my life is very good now, my depression worsened. I could tell that the medicine wasn't working so I tried to self-medicate and take a higher dose, unsupervised. That Saturday, I attempted suicide, the medicine messing with my brain chemicals. That Monday, I went to the hospital alone and checked myself in, scared. Tuesday I was admitted into an inpatient facility where I got to have my medicine adjusted and was able to work through some counseling. I was just discharged this last Tuesday.
I have a lot to work through in counseling. My life has not always been perfect and good. Being diagnosed with Borderline, despite the fact I saw it coming, is scaring me. It makes me reconsider having kids and how to parent them. It makes me wonder how the rest of my life is going to turn out, as Borderline is only treatable, not curable. I have to figure out and adjust my plans for life. It's not easy. But I'm alive. And I have a wonderful support system. And I finally have the correct medicine. So don't worry. I just wanted to be honest about what's been going on.
1 comment:
Sweet Cherry, sweet Ann, you make an excellent point about not posting only ups on the blog. It makes me think I should post the sort of depressed entry I wrote recently, but decided not to post because it wasn't "cheerful" enough.
I feel pretty strongly that you shouldn't let this dictate your life. It's true that mental illnesses are only treatable, not curable. But that's the same as many physical diseases, like asthma for example. And you wouldn't let that prevent you from living life to the fullest, right? I myself struggle with this, and so just know you're not alone. To repeat Jerlyn, you are loved.
Sorry about the double post...
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