I wish I knew what to say. I've been going through some hard things lately that aren't really blog appropriate right now even if I did want to talk about them. I can't say how many lies I've told when someone asked how I was or if I was okay. I'm not. It's still too soon. I suppose that is clear if the quantity of questions is any indication.
But the point of this post wasn't to complain. I know I will be okay eventually. I've been through this before with desolate resources in comparison after all. That's the one thing that has stuck with me this time, through all the prayers spent on me and all the compassion shown. This could have left me irreversably bitter and irreparably broken considering everything in the past as well, but it hasn't. I am angry, I am grieving, I am not as easily happy as I was, but I am not jaded. I am not fearful. I am not gone.
I have a better knowledge of how deeply Trevor loves me. Of how much my parents are willing to sacrifice for my well being. Of how Thomas, Jer, Hayden, Suzi, and Julie are so completely giving and supportive. Of how I can lean on people that don't "have" to help me but are willing to like Allison, Tyler, Alex, and Deb.
I am not grateful that this happened, nor do I think I ever will have the courage to be. I cannot appreciate the good fully, still caught in the storm it has caused. I am still facing hardship and pain and will for awhile longer. But to those of you that keep asking if I'm okay, I will still lie and say yes. I will lie, but only partly, choosing to believe in the future.
2 comments:
Missy, just for the record, we all know you are not okay. How could you be? It is just a gauge to try and see where you are at and what we can do. You are right, it is going to take time. There are a lot of us in your corner. We care. We are offering prayers up in your behalf. We love you.
One thing I have learned from my experiences is if you want or need something, be honest. Just because we can't guess your needs doesn't mean that if we knew, we wouldn't help. We would.
I have loved you being around more. I believe in you!
I love you! I'm here.
You, sweet girl, are an amazing young lady. I'm not going to say the familiar things like "if you ever want to talk" or "I'm here for you" because I don't know how much help I could ever be. Know that I am your friend and leave it at that. I might get alittle "over-zealous" when I see that deep down inside that you're "not okay". Just know it's the way that I COPE with people around me that are hurting. I want to make it all better. I always have. I grew up being called "the peacemaker". I personally think it's cuz I'm a mother. Know that there are so many people that are around to help you....sounds like you have a pretty good support system of friends. I will never pry but I will always listen. Love, Carol
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