Self-Confidence and Other Things That Make People Cringe Inside

I was talking to my mom the other day about self-confidence. She mentioned that she had always figured it came naturally to me, when that was the absolute farthest from the truth. It wasn't her fault-- I'm fairly introvertive about how I feel-- but it made me realize how very different we can portray ourselves as opposed to how we actually think.

One of my very best friends is one of the strongest people I know and she still can't say one good thing about herself with adding at least two "but..."'s. Almost every negative thing she says about herself doesn't even address who she is as a person. It's all surface, all "well if I looked like this, then... [insert fabulous miracle here] would happen."

Every skinny, pretty girl I know-- and one of my friends even models-- worries almost tenfold about keeping their appearance up than someone who isn't as good looking. Being attractive does not make you permanently happy. No matter how much less make up you have to put on to "look pretty" or which cute clothes now fit you, you will still be the same unhappy person. Always.

I didn't know that, growing up. All I could focus on was how much I didn't fit in. I was too tall, I was too big, my hair was too short, I didn't know what clothes were actually cute. That obsession quickly turned into criticizing my character-- I was too nerdy, I was mean, I wasn't likeable. It was a slippery slope and I fell hard once I reached the bottom. Not liking yourself so very easily turns into hating yourself.  Hating yourself-- well that's not a place that anyone can handle very long without breaking.

Confidence is not a human instinct. No one is born with it. It is a learned trait based on the values of the people around us, and if you don't learn it young or it gets broken, you have to work on it and hard.

So how do you start loving yourself? Honestly, I've asked myself that for years and I'm still young. When people tell me that I need to love myself because of all these lists of reasons it doesn't click. I don't think I should be allowed to feel good at all when [insert negative thing] is still wrong with me. The funny thing is, hardly anyone I know does either.

The key is retraining your brain, which is a lot easier said than done. For every negative thought you have to say to yourself, "okay, maybe I'm being harsh on myself, or maybe this is something I need to work on, but I like _________ about me." Some of you probably need to think of three positive things in response and not only one. It isn't easy at first. It feels wrong to think it, like vinegar to say it out loud, but it is the only thing I've found that works.

My friends and I have done this around the table, and its funny how the most outwardly confident people usually come up blank the fastest. No one I've asked to do this can come up with more than three without feeling uncomfortable and 9 times out of 10 the first three things a girl says are physical. When she runs out of those, she often feels awkward.

That's not okay! There are so many things and different ways that we're all unique and wonderful for. With the volatile relationship I have often had with myself in the past, I feel a little hypocritical for trying to speak in confidence. I guess the point is, so what? I like that I'm willing to write this anyway and hope someone who needs it will read. ;)